You have been warned!
2 cows are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?". The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!".
Some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date.
I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on their date.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications
What's the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean.
What's ET short for?
He's only got little legs.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
I've been told I'm condescending.(that means I talk down to people)
Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch. Bartender says "Pal, if you want a punch you'll have to stand in line" Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do!
My friends say there's a gay guy in our circle of friends... I really hope it's Todd, he's cute.
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other "I need you to help me get to the other side!" The other guy replies "You are on the other side!"
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Dishes
Dishes Who?
Dishes Sean Connery.
What do the movies titanic and the sixth sense have in common? Icy dead people.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? "Aye matey".
Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
Wife says to her programmer husband, "Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen." Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Toronto zoo.
I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.
I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It's shift work.
My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said "40"
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
How do you get two whales in a car? Start in England and drive west.
So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks? A labracadabrador.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
What do you call a frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.
What do we want? Low flying airplane noises! When do we want them? NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.
How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb? Is it one or two? One... or two?
And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't"
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
