More Jokes

[DEAD__MAN]

Why did the cracker go to the doctor?
It felt crummy.
What is cheese that doesn’t belong to you called?
Nacho cheese.
What's black and white and read all over?
The newspaper.
What goes up but never comes down?
Your age.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
It was outstanding in the field.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between us, something smells.
Who did the ghost take to the dance?
His ghoul-friend.
Why was six afraid of seven?
Because seven ate nine.
Why was it so breezy at the ballgame?
The stadium was packed with fans.
What do you call someone who only passes gas at home?
A private tutor.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Hang out in the corner — it’s always 90 degrees.
Why don't any other shapes talk to circles?
Because there’s no point.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw salad dressing.
Why didn't the pirate shower before he walked the plank?
Because he’ll just wash up on shore later.
Why did the skeleton quit her job?
Her heart wasn’t in it.
What did the little corn say to the mama corn?
Where is pop corn?
What is a tornado's favorite game to play?
Twister.
Where do vampires keep their money?
A blood blank.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use a honeycomb.
What did the astronaut say when he crashed into the moon?
"I Apollo-gize."
What dinosaur had the best vocabulary?
The thesaurus.
What do you do if you get peanut butter on your doorknob?
Use a door jam.
What is a tree's favorite beverage?
Root beer!

[DEAD__MAN]

How do you know the ocean wants to be your friend?
It waves.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree.
Why can’t you tell a window a joke?
It could crack up.
How did the hair stylist beat everyone to the finish line?
She knew a shortcut.
What kind of water doesn’t freeze?
Hot water.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
What do Olympic sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing — they fast.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
How did the trash collector do on his first day at work?
He just picked it up as he went.
What did one DNA strand say to the other?
How do these genes look on me?
Why do bowling pins have it so rough?
They’re always getting knocked down.
What did one plate say to the other?
In case he got a hole in one.
Why do melons have weddings?
The lettuce was a head but the tomato tried to catchup.
What do you call an ant who fights crime?
A vigilante!
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
About a buck an ear.
How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
She starts coffin.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
Because it wasn't peeling well.
Why was the mushroom the life of the party?
It was a fungi
What do you call a funny mountain?
Hill-arious.
How do pickles enjoy a day out?
They relish it.
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Arrrrrrrrr.
What does a book do in the winter?
Puts on a jacket.
What kind of haircuts do bees get?
Buzzzzzcuts.
Why was the broom running late?
It over-swept.
What did the flower say after it told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg.

[DEAD__MAN]

What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
A stick.
Why are ghosts bad liars?
You can see right through them.
What did one potty say to the other?
You look a bit flushed.
What’s the best way to throw a party on Venus?
Just planet.
What did one volcano say to the other?
I lava you.
What falls but never gets hurt?
Snow.
What do ducks’ tail feathers do?
Cover their butt-quacks.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tuna fish.
What’s a ghost’s favorite drink?
Ghoul-ade.
What room has no doors or windows?
A mushroom.
Does your underwear have holes in it?
Of course it does — that’s how you get your legs through.
Why doesn’t anyone pick Cinderella for the soccer team?
She always runs away from the ball.
How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?
Just look for the fresh prints
Why did the golfer bring a spare pair of socks?
Because they cantaloupe.
How are cakes like baseball teams?
They both require a good batter.
What building in New York has the most stories?
The public library.
What stays in the corner yet can travel all over the world?
A stamp.
Why are robots never afraid?
They have nerves of steel.
Why did the cabbage win the race?
Because it was a-head.
How does a hurricane see?
With one eye.
Did you hear about the kid who drank eight sodas?
He burped 7-Up.
What is blue but not heavy?
Light blue.
Why did the cell phone get glasses?
Because she lost all her contacts.
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.