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Chuck Norris Facts!

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Hector McFreckle:
Christopher Reeve was Chuck Norris's only unsuccessful kill, his horse got in the way of his roundhouse kick.

chuck norris ate my baby!!!

oh wait...
that was a dingo.

nevermind.

When Chuck jumps into water he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King,...and got one.



When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship

Hector McFreckle:
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

Hector McFreckle:
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.

The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.

Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

A unicorn once kicked Chuck Norris. That is why they no longer exist.

It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

Chuck Norris once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to a friend that the expression "Shitting bricks" wasn't just a figure of speech.

Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."


When Chuck Norris breaks the law, the law doesn't heal.

When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his diamond mines.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

The Jihadists are pissed because they can no longer tell their recruits to expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women who have already had sex with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

If Chuck Norris makes a woman ride on top during sex, she instantly qualifies for the "mile high" club.

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

Chuck Norris once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.

On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things. 197 6.954
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.

Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.

When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

ADD is not a disease. It's just impossible to focus when you know that Chuck Norris could strike at any moment.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris CAN believe its not butter



 Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

When Chuck Norris laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidently shits a cow.



One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris has never had an alcohol problem. However, alcohol has had a Chuck Norris problem.

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"

In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the surface of China.

Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Chuck Norris. The tool dares the virus to enter the machine.

Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker.

When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.

Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.

Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.

People say the truth hurts, but it hurts a hell of a lot more when it comes from Chuck Norris.

If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

Chuck Norris can open beer cans with his teeth. He still prefers to use other people's teeth, though.

Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.

Hector McFreckle:






If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Pringles chip.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

Hector McFreckle:
Chuck Norris Sleeps with a night light, not because he's affraid of the dark, but because the dark is affraid of chuck Norris.

The theory of evolution is just a list of things Chuck Norris allowed to live.

Before Chuck NOrris was born, he had already slept with half the female hospital staff.

The Guiness book of records is just a list of the people that came second to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can count to infinite.

Chuck Norris doesn't read, he just stares the book down until it gives chuck norris the information he wants.

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