Chuck Norris Facts!

[Hector McFreckle]

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the ~censored~ he wants.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right foot. Nobody ever asks him for his ID.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take sh*t from anyone.

Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

Chuck Norris was originally going to be crucified along with Jesus and the thieves. When they couldn't get the nails through his skin, they decided to let him off with a warning. Amused by this, Chuck Norris gave his own warning. We know this today as the Book of Revelations.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ~censored~ Indian.


Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ~censored~ beef.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.

The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of ~Censored~ Chuck Norris eats.

Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.

Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck Norris never ~censored~ up.

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.

When Chuck Norris sees a shooting star he does not wish. He commands.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the ~censored~ Chuck Norris is.

The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a ~Censored~ would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

One pound of Chuck Norris is heavier than ten pounds of everything else

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the ~censored~ out of the way.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

Curiosity may have killed the cat, but Chuck Norris killed everything else.

Chuck Norris loves knock knock jokes. Too bad nobody can finish one because they die due to a roundhouse to the face because they would not let Chuck in.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt" murder.

Chuck Norris currently holds the record for the most money won in a single game of Jeopardy. He simply buzzed in for every question and then solemnly stared at Alex Trebek until Trebek awarded him credit. In the Final Jeopardy round, Norris wagered all his winnings and then answered by drawing a picture of himself.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".

Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust" was written about Chuck Norris' life.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can hear braille.

The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.

When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his diamond mines.

It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.

Chuck Norris can make a slinky climb stairs

Many Strongmen rip phone books in half using their bare hands to demonstrate their strength. Chuck Norris rips Strongmen in half using a TV Guide. Scientists are baffled...

Chuck Norris used to beat the ~love~ out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does push-ups he pushes the earth down.

Chuck Norris saved JFK's life by deflecting the bullets with his beard. JFK's head exploded out of pure amazement.

Chuck Norris killed JR.

Dallas once named a street after Chuck Norris for his services as a Texas Ranger but had to rename it after people died everytime they crossed the street. No-one crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

[Hector McFreckle]

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

[Hector McFreckle]

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

[Hector McFreckle]

There are 342 parts of Chuck Norris's body that he can kill you with. Chuck Norris can kill two people simultaneously with his nipples.

Before filming Missing in Action II, Chuck Norris invented mathematics, so they could complete the title.

In Chuck's homeland, a roundhouse kick to the face is equivalent to a handshake.

Chuck Norris has never hit another man in a fight. Chuck Norris has also never lost a fight. He simply points to his foot and the opponent lays down.

If you stand in front of a mirror, on Halloween night, and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will come out of the mirror, and Roundhouse kick your head in half.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f****** Indian.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

[Hector McFreckle]

Chuck Norris has been fighting FOO long before Dave Grohl and that band of miscreants

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "F***ing."

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

In the movie “Back to the Future” they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris puts the m's on M&Ms.

Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on Mortal Kombat 2 on the Sega Genesis.

Chuck Norris is known for his modesty but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world

Chuck Norris goes to the toilet once a month, if he needs to or not.

Chuck Norris burned down an entire forest when he was experimenting with water.

There are in fact 31 letters of the English Alphabet however only Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.

Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the Power Rangers just to say hi.

Chuck Norris has no concept of time, if you go to his house you won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late he stares at you blankly until you sit back down.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris once ate a banana without having to peel it.

Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris' house is a Total Gym

In a recent interview, Chuck Norris told Entertainment Tonight co-host Mary Hart that his most memorable role was when he played the third breast on the hooker in "Total Recall".

Chuck Norris once did a back flip off the Great Wall of China.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.

Chuck Norris caught all 386 pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He says he won't trade any of them for anything.

In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.

Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the paralympics.

Chuck Norris will never fully be male nor female. Doctors once asked him which he preferred. He gave them an ad for a Total Gym.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will appear and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris was the original Danny Tanner on the hit family sitcom, "Full House". He was replaced by Bob Saget after an unfortunate incident with one of the Olsen triplets.

When Chuck Norris was driving he saw a sign that said, "Caution: Small Children Playing." So he slowed down, but then it occurred to him: Chuck Norris isn't afraid of small children.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f*** down.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten.

Chuck Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas

A Chevy truck was totalled in a car accident. It hit black ice, then hit Chuck Norris. You tell me what did the damage.

Everytime Chuck Norris hears the term ‘Virgin’ Mary he laughs out loud…

It used to be called the Tower of Pisa…until Chuck Norris decided to roundhouse kick the shit out of it

Chuck Norris kills 14 white people at the end of every week just to prove he isn’t racist.

[Hector McFreckle]

Christopher Reeve was Chuck Norris's only unsuccessful kill, his horse got in the way of his roundhouse kick.

chuck norris ate my baby!!!

oh wait...
that was a dingo.

nevermind.

When Chuck jumps into water he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King,...and got one.



When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship

[Hector McFreckle]

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

[Hector McFreckle]

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.

The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.

Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

A unicorn once kicked Chuck Norris. That is why they no longer exist.

It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.

Chuck Norris once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to a friend that the expression "Shitting bricks" wasn't just a figure of speech.

Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."


When Chuck Norris breaks the law, the law doesn't heal.

When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his diamond mines.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

The Jihadists are pissed because they can no longer tell their recruits to expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women who have already had sex with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

If Chuck Norris makes a woman ride on top during sex, she instantly qualifies for the "mile high" club.

Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

Chuck Norris once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.

On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things. 197 6.954
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.

Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.

When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please."

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.

ADD is not a disease. It's just impossible to focus when you know that Chuck Norris could strike at any moment.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris CAN believe its not butter



 Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.

Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".

Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

When Chuck Norris laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidently shits a cow.



One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.

Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.

Chuck Norris has never had an alcohol problem. However, alcohol has had a Chuck Norris problem.

Jesus owns and wears a bracelet that reads, "WWCND?"

In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a bank account. He just tells the bank how much he needs.
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

The phrase "Made by Chuck Norris" is imprinted beneath the surface of China.

Microsoft has released a new Anti-virus removal tool called Chuck Norris. The tool dares the virus to enter the machine.

Chuck Norris always gets blackjack. Even when he's playing poker.

When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.

Chuck Norris only uses one chopstick.

Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Chuck Norris jumps out.

Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Needless to say, Death now refuses to come near him.

People say the truth hurts, but it hurts a hell of a lot more when it comes from Chuck Norris.

If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.

Chuck Norris can open beer cans with his teeth. He still prefers to use other people's teeth, though.

Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.

[Hector McFreckle]

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris can eat just one Pringles chip.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

[Hector McFreckle]

Chuck Norris Sleeps with a night light, not because he's affraid of the dark, but because the dark is affraid of chuck Norris.

The theory of evolution is just a list of things Chuck Norris allowed to live.

Before Chuck NOrris was born, he had already slept with half the female hospital staff.

The Guiness book of records is just a list of the people that came second to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can count to infinite.

Chuck Norris doesn't read, he just stares the book down until it gives chuck norris the information he wants.

[doda]

That is the funniest stuff I have ever read, I'm laughing so much I'm crying.   

[Beergut]

Please don't encourage him Doda...

[Hector McFreckle]

Please don't encourage him Doda...

 

[DJShotty™]

There are a few repeats throughout if you go through them all, but piss funny nonetheless LMAO

[deutros]

After reading all these Hector I went and watched missing in action (the pain the pain)

[Hector McFreckle]

After reading all these Hector I went and watched missing in action (the pain the pain)

I've gotta admit, i've never seen any of his movies - i don't think that i could stand it LOL ! 

[deutros]

can't....................stop........................must....................look

[Vtroll]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HECTOR ?!?

Were they out of "Jason" cakes?

[Hector McFreckle]

Chuck Norris's 12 Days of Christmas

On the first day of Chuckmas, Chuck Norris gave to me . . .
a new pair of Action Crotch Jeans®™

On the second day of Chuckmas, Chuck Norris gave to me . . .
Two crushed balls
And a new pair of Action Crotch Jeans®™

On the third day of Chuckmas, Chuck Norris gave to me . . .
Three kidney punches
Two crushed balls
And a new pair of Action Crotch Jeans®™

On the fourth day of Chuckmas, Chuck Norris gave to me . . .
Four roundhouse kicks
Three kidney punches
Two crushed balls
And a new pair of Action Crotch Jeans®™

On the fifth day of Chuckmas, Chuck Norris gave to me . . .
FIVE BROKEN RIBS!
Four roundhouse kicks
Three kidney punches
Two crushed balls
And a new pair of Action Crotch Jeans®™

On the sixth day of Chuckmas, Chuck Norris gave to me . . .
Six necks a-stepped-on
FIVE BROKEN RIBS!
Four roundhouse kicks
Three kidney punches
Two crushed balls
And a new pair of Action Crotch Jeans®™

On the seventh day of Chuckmas, Chuck Norris gave to me . . .
Seven vets a-rescued
Six necks a-stepped-on
FIVE BROKEN RIBS!
Four roundhouse kicks
Three kidney punches
Two crushed balls
And a new pair of Action Crotch Jeans®™

On the eighth day of Chuckmas, Chuck Norris gave to me . . .
Eight cans a-Whupass
Seven vets a-rescued
Six necks a-stepped-on
FIVE BROKEN RIBS!
Four roundhouse kicks
Three kidney punches
Two crushed balls
And a new pair of Action Crotch Jeans®™

On the ninth day of Chuckmas, Chuck Norris gave to me . . .
Nine nunchucks chucking
Eight cans a-Whupass
Seven vets a-rescued
Six necks a-stepped-on
FIVE BROKEN RIBS!
Four roundhouse kicks
Three kidney punches
Two crushed balls
And a new pair of Action Crotch Jeans®™

On the tenth day of Chuckmas, Chuck Norris gave to me . . .
Ten rednecks bleeding
Nine nunchucks chucking
Eight cans a-Whupass
Seven vets a-rescued
Six necks a-stepped-on
FIVE BROKEN RIBS!
Four roundhouse kicks
Three kidney punches
Two crushed balls
And a new pair of Action Crotch Jeans®™

On the eleventh day of Chuckmas, Chuck Norris gave to me . . .
Eleven drunken bar brawls
Ten rednecks bleeding
Nine nunchucks chucking
Eight cans a-Whupass
Seven vets a-rescued
Six necks a-stepped-on
FIVE BROKEN RIBS!
Four roundhouse kicks
Three kidney punches
Two crushed balls
And a new pair of Action Crotch Jeans®™

On the twelfth day of Chuckmas, Chuck Norris gave to me . . .
Twelve weeks in traction
Eleven drunken bar brawls
Ten rednecks bleeding
Nine nunchucks chucking
Eight cans a-Whupass
Seven vets a-rescued
Six necks a-stepped-on
FIVE BROKEN RIBS!
Four roundhouse kicks
Three kidney punches
Two crushed balls
And a new pair of Action Crotch Jeans®™

[deutros]

Nice to see that Chuck has gotten into the spirit of Christmas Hector :D :D :D

[Hector McFreckle]

Everybody loves Raymond....... EXCEPT Chuck Norris !!

[Hector McFreckle]

From:-

Code: [Select]

http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,25441767-5013016,00.html
Chuck Norris saves a bakery

A POSH bakery in Split, Croatia, has been broken into almost every week.

But not since the shop owners posted a life-sized photo of the toughest man in Hollywood Chuck Norris in the window.

The sign says: “This shop is under the protection of Chuck Norris.”

Now the bakery hasn't had a single burglary for more than a month.

Sales assistant Mirna Kovac said: "To be honest we just started it as a joke but it really has worked. Thieves haven't been anywhere near us for ages. People seem to respect him.

"Everyone around here has seen his films and he's quite a popular character, perhaps even among criminals, so they've decided to leave us alone."

She added though: "We have had a few customers come in and ask us whether they can get Chuck's autograph.

“They really believe he is sitting in our storeroom out the back ready to pounce on any burglars."

[Vtroll]

I see you've posted a pic, but I can't picture Chuck Norris handling a croissant. Even more, it would be a brave man to suggest Chuck Norris would handle a croissant!

Ouch! Karate-chop